Smorgasbord

I’m feeling a bit out of sorts. There is a lot going on, but at the same time I feel like things are calmer than they’ve been in a long time. We aren’t planning a wedding this year. We aren’t adopting two new puppies this year. There aren’t really any MAJOR life events taking place this year – as far as I know.

Well, except for the whole trying to buy a house and move thing. More on that in a second.

Here’s the smorgasbord of my brain:

There are some changes taking place at work, but I’ve been reassured my job is not in jeopardy. Still, it is unsettling. Some people’s behavior is changing. People are on edge. There is uncertainty. It is nothing like the mess I was in before – and much less stressful – but it is still unnerving. I just started this job at the end of October. I am not ready to be unemployed again and looking for another job. If that were the case then I’d really want to look in Colorado or Nevada or Arizona and just get out of Illinois once and for all.

For now, we’re not doing that. I’m not sure if we’ll regret that or not. But it is certainly easier to not plan a cross-country move to a state we’ve never lived in.

Beside the uncertainty, I love my job. It is a much more inviting and friendly environment. I lucked out with a great manager and co-workers and there is freedom. And I’m appreciated. Booyah.

Okay, so work. Check.

Me. I hate that I’ve struggled with my weight since what seems like 1st grade and I wish I could say I was one of those women who turned a leaf and stopped giving a fuck – but it just isn’t true. And I don’t like that. I hope some day I won’t care. I hope some day I’ll reach the point where I’m happy with my body. I do not want to be an idiot in front of my future daughter and have her think that it is normal to hate your body as a woman. But…it’s rough.

I stopped working out and being so vigilant about eating healthy after our wedding. I enjoyed our honeymoon – and I have no regrets about that (Punta Cana, pool, bottomless fruity cocktails – yes, please!) Then I was home for awhile and the whole plan was to take advantage of having time to exercise – but I didn’t. I did cook and bake a lot, which was great. But I let the exercise part fall to the wayside. Then I started my current job and got into a rhythm of using the gym at work – excellent. But I was gaining like 1 pound every few weeks…steadily. WTF. My clothes stopped fitting right. I resorted to leggings or tights every day because pants stopped fitting around my tummy. I saw a fat face every time I looked in the mirror. And with more of our friends getting pregnant, I can’t help but think about what I’m doing to my own body by not keeping my weight under control. I do want to have a baby some day – and I want to be healthy when I do so that my baby will ::fingers crossed:: be healthy too. Anyway, I decided to do this 30 day program – currently on Day 14. It is ok. I am on board with how the program works. I like that it doesn’t feel like I’m cutting out a million things (even though I am). I don’t always feel hungry. I typically have energy. My tummy isn’t upset. But I am obsessing a little too much over the scale and I’m comparing myself to these men and women who are dropping pounds like crazy and then posting about it on the program’s Facebook page. There are people who chime in and are disappointed that they aren’t seeing the results that they want. I feel more like those folks. It’s a shitty cycle:

-have a good day, eat right, follow program

-weigh self and see little to no change

-look at Facebook and see all these people with awesome results

-get down on myself for not trying harder, exercising more, being better, indulging in that extra teaspoon of hummus, not drinking enough water, etc

-get annoyed with myself for comparing myself to others and for focusing so much on the number on the scale when in my head I know that is not all that matters

-crave all the food I’m not supposed to have (steak fajitas, Five Guys cheeseburger and fries, chips and guac, Chipotle, Oreos and milk…)

-go to bed defeated and wake up and try again

So. I’m in a bit of a mental battle over that. To be continued…

When I was at home last year, before I started this job, I picked up this court report transcript proofreading course and dove in. I liked it. I thought I was pretty good at it. I told myself I’d keep it up and complete the course when I started this job and maybe a month in, I let it slip and forgot about it. I partially got frustrated because the section I was in was proofing 50 sample transcripts and I felt like I was missing everything. But I also just stopped making the time for it. Now I wish I completed it – I wish I didn’t let all of that leave my brain. It would be nice to have the hustle in me to do something like that on the side to make more money.

Which brings me to: money. Who doesn’t stress about money? Ugh. I should just hush and be thankful that we have what we have and we live the way we do – but of course I don’t feel comfortable with the amount in my savings account. I don’t feel like I have enough money to do what I really want to do – travel, buy a new car, not have credit card debt, pay back my parents for the money I’ve borrowed from them over the years, donate to all the charities and organizations I want to, give more. Budgeting is annoying and I suck at it. I usually feel pretty financially responsible, but more and more lately I feel like I’m a failure at it.

Which brings me to: buying a home. Which you need money for. And which you need to have a good credit score for. Simplified: my score was good. It isn’t now. I don’t know why. I’m in the process of disputing things on all 3 reports. It is a slow and frustrating process and I hate that there is so much emphasis on that stupid number as far as determining if we are good people and deserve a good rate and loan to buy a home. A home I desperately want because we are living on top of each other in our townhouse and the dogs need a freaking yard to run around in.

When I feel like this…I know it’ll pass and I know things are fine. Things could be SO much worse and I’m very lucky. I’m lucky to have my husband, to have our home, to have a car, to have nice things like a laptop, phone, nice clothes and shoes. I know I have resources that I can rely on if we were ever in trouble. We aren’t alone – our families love and support us. We have great friends. I know I can text my best friend night or day and he’ll respond when he does – doesn’t really matter when – and I know he’ll make me feel better (…well, maybe after a snarky remark or two). We have our health. We have a lot to look forward to – a stupid house with a stupid yard, careers, travels, adventures together, starting a family, probably adopting more dumb dogs, spending time with friends and family, growing together. It’s all really exciting. It’s all good. Sometimes it’s just hard to see through all the fog and focus on what is good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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